Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
