Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
