I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
