He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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