well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
