He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
