the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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