i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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