I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
