Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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