Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
