I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
