did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
