if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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