Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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