Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
