i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
