Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
