dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
