im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
