haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
