Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
