I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
