There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
two words: eviction party
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
