he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
