When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
