Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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