There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
