I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
