just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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