I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
