Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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