Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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