Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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