Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
