Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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