My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
