I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
