The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
