They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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