I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
