Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think my moral compass just broke
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