I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she looked like the before picture.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
