I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
