Kareoke will never be a sober sport
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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