She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
