I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
