So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
