Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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