a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
